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I bet a few of you reading this just graduated from college and live at home with your parents. Well played! You probably eat breakfast right after waking up at 11:00 AM and then eat lunch at noon. I can tell you from personal experience it’s a great deal. And I can also tell you from personal experience that after reading enough of these articles you will decide to become an NBA blogger.
I’m not discouraging that idea, but I have a job that will probably generate more profit. All you need to do is head to your local Department of Transportation and obtain a Commercial Driver’s License. You’re about to become the official driver of the Minnesota Timberwolves bandwagon. You’ll be able to fit all of your passengers in a smart car for the next week or so, but in a few years, your fleet will include fifty Greyhounds.
After obtaining your CDL, you will need to go hard on an advertising campaign. These should be your selling points:
People will call you crazy, but assure them Ricky Rubio will be one of the best point guards in the NBA in the next few seasons. He is a junkyard dog on defense, and his offense is considerably better than advertised. Heck, LeBron James guarded him when the Heat played the Timberwolves in Rubio’s third NBA game. Rubio’s biggest downfall before heading to the United States was his shooting ability, but he actually has one of the highest True Shooting percentages on his team through the first chunk of games. Sure, it’s a small sample size, but you’re selling seats on a bandwagon!
You can put this one in terms that Orlando Magic fans will relate to easily: the power forward for the Timberwolves averages more rebounds per game than Dwight Howard and has a better three point percentage than Ryan Anderson. Hard to believe, right? Your potential clients won’t think you’re too crazy for this claim, but guarantee them that Kevin Love will be the best power forward in the NBA post-haste. They will argue in favor of Blake Griffin and Dirk, but just remind them that Griffin doesn’t play any defense or make shots outside the lane, and Dirk is already in his 14th NBA season. Trust me, Kevin Love will not let you down. If they need one more nudge to get on the Love Boat, you can bring in Sir Charles to offer his point of view.
There is virtually no way the Timberwolves can spend their money any worse over the next few seasons. Their five highest paid players, in order, are Michael Beasley, Martell Webster, Darko Milicic, Brad Miller, and J.J. Barea. For those scoring at home, that is a ton of money to two ridiculously bad second overall picks, two players who haven’t played a minute this season, and an offseason acquisition who has only played four games due to a hamstring issue. I know David Kahn doesn’t make many people confident, but the salary issues in Minnesota can only improve.
Rick Adelman has led his teams to a winning percentage greater than .500 in seventeen of his twenty seasons as the head man on an NBA bench. Additionally, he made it twice to the NBA Finals as the head coach of the Portland Trail Blazers, and his long relationship with Kevin Love might be enough to entice the star to stay in Minnesota. If that’s doesn’t sell someone on the new head man for the Wolves, you can always remind them that Adelman led the 2008 Rockets to a 22-game winning streak and cultivated another flashy point guard to a first team All-Rookie honor in 1999.
There you have it. You’re now in a working relationship with the best power forward in the NBA, a rising star at point guard, an excellent leader on the bench and a ton of terrible contracts. What else do you need to sell seats on a bandwagon? Just do me a favor and always save me a seat.
Matt Scribbins is a contributing writer for Magic Basketball. Follow him on Twitter.