It’s time to have a society intervention, friends. A sickness has blossomed into an epidemic, and unless we do something, it may become a permanent problem. I’m talking about “S**t Girls Say” and all of the spinoff videos that have forced me to unsubscribe to otherwise decent friends on Facebook. The first one, very funny. But it wasn’t funny because it was ludicrously overspecific, self-referential and had a narrow appeal. In fact, NOTHING IS FUNNY FOR THOSE REASONS. THEY ARE THE REASONS THINGS ARE UNFUNNY. The first video succeeded because that guy was such a talented comic actor.
After that? I chortled at “S**t Black Girls Say.” I grudgingly clicked on “S**t White Girls Say to Black Girls.” Now? S**t Bartenders Say? S**t People Say to People With Tattoos? I swear to God somebody asked me last weekend if I had seen “S**t Gay Guys Say to Their Cats.” Because I have not watched it, I assume gay guys talk to their cats the same way I do. I do not talk to my cat about being straight, I talk to him about whether he wants some kibble and why he has crapped all over the mat in front of his litter box. “Hey, Bojangles, I sure love women, and I sure don’t have quips about clothing products,” is a sentence I have never spoken.
Together, friends, we can end this, and we can go back to a world where really dumb Ryan Gosling tumblrs are the only stupid meme. He is very, very handsome, everybody, but Typography Ryan Gosling is not funny.
My cat’s name really is Bojangles, and he is obese. Gradually, Magic Basketball readers, I reveal little slivers of my life as we grow more comfortable with one another.
GAME OF THE WEEK
Celtics 91, Magic 83
Boy, it sure is a good thing I didn’t publicly write that I was willing to excuse Monday’s suckfest because the Magic seemed so resilient. It suuuure is a good thing I did not publicly state that I was starting to believe in the Magic’s fortitude and chemistry. It SURE. IS. A. GOOD. THING. That the Boston Celtics did not win without Rajon Rondo TWICE IN ONE WEEK. My trying to stay objective about the Magic is not because of ethics, it’s because I hate them and they are stupid every time I try and think otherwise.
Reader John Ward:
“Hey Danny, I hope the mailbox is bursting w/ mail and swag.
I have a couple questions for you.
1. When we talk about trade assets the Magic have, the one I don’t ever hear talked about is our favorite head coach Swag Van Gundy (http://stanvan.tumblr.com/). Anways, what value would he have to any potential trade partner? And would you trade SVG if the trade which included him made the Magic a token top-tier title team w/ the likes of the Heat, Bulls and Thunder?
2. I’m a craft brew enthusiast and have tried many, possibly too many.
My tried & true top 3:
1. Hazed & Infused, Boulder Beer Brewing Co, Boulder CO (http://www.boulderbeer.com/)
2. Aventinus Doppleboch, Schneider Weisse, Germany (http://www.schneider-weisse.de)
3. Jai Alai IPA, Cigar City Brewing, Tampa FL (http://www.cigarcitybrewing.com)
From my US trips, these beers are available most everywhere I’ve been (except Chicago because, I guess, if its not Miller Lite its not for them). Any good suggestions?”
This is a more than decent question in its constituent parts. I will address it as you have asked it:
1. I think SVG would have amazing value if this were a thing that was actually considered by the franchise. Head coach trades are rare enough to begin with, and I think the Magic understand that Van Gundy and his system are worth more than any individual player. I don’t see it happening, and I would never personally want it. Honestly, if you can make J.J. Redick a credible NBA shooting guard, I think you should be invited to a summit with the Brawny paper towel man, Desmond Tutu, and a fireman that has saved a bus full of children.
2. I LOVE BOOZE QUESTIONS. In fact, booze questions, given the parts of my life I have chosen to share with the interwebz, are the questions I assumed I was most likely to get when I started this column. Craft beers I want to recommend are:
New Holland Poet Oatmeal Stout — it satisfies my demand both for literary affectation and toasty malts. It’s from some hippy-dip New England state, I think.
Founder’s Red Rye Pale Ale — A crisp, grapefruity pale ale that is a miracle if you find it on draught and cold as the Dickens. Anything by Lonerider Brewing — I gotta rep the Raleigh/Durham NC area a bit. If you find yourself in the 919, order the Sweet Josie brown, which is one of my very favorite beers, or the Deadeye Jack porter, which tastes like an Ovaltine donut cooked on an open fire.
I got mad love for you shouting out Cigar City, though — I haven’t been in Tampa for years, but some connoisseur friends of mine pushed some of their beers on me, and they are CRAZY delicious. Also, sir, I believe you are misunderestimating Chicago beers (I think Eddy would agree). I have had some really delicious Goose Landing or Goose Point or whatever it is called beers, and they are brewed there. Green Point? Whatever. Chicago has good beers.
Reader Ryan Eves:
I see you as the next great American advice columnist without the angry feud with your sister. A few questions for you:
1) Joe Pa died. I’m feeling rather distraught. How should I remember him?
2) My mother in law is coming into town soon. What can I do to get out of being in the house all weekend?
3) I found various Nickelback songs on a friends iPod. Should I be concerned even if there were no full albums?”
We have established that compliments get you in the mailbag, and Ryan has come up with a good compliment. However, I do have an angry feud with my sister. (Beanie, if you’re reading, I’m just kidding. Love you! (If she is not reading, I hate my sister)):
1. I don’t want to touch the JoePa question at all, but let me say this: he was a legend who built a life out of reinforcing the idea of protocol, decorum, and respecting one’s superiors. I think he absolutely, unequivocally did the wrong thing when he decided to handle the information he was given. That said, I think the mistakes he made were understandable in the context of the culture he tried to foster — while I excuse nothing about the way he dealt with the Sandusky information, I am personally willing to grant carte blanche to anybody who wants to mourn the death of this flawed, sometimes inspiring icon.
2. Go out to pick up groceries, and drive to a bar that is near where I live. Call your MIL, say you had to get a jump from a friendly stranger, and drink with me.
3. There is no excuse, whatsoever, for Nickelback. Album or no album, the following possibilities are in play:
Your friend does not like Nickelback, but has liked a girl who was so undiscriminating that he felt it acceptable to acquire a few songs. Your friend is a “populist” about music, and is unable to distinguish good-bad pop music from Nickelback, who are the worst. Your friend likes Nickelback.
Any of these cases are solid grounds for dumping your friend. Trust me — I have dated girls who were later revealed to have been in possession of Nickelback, and I will tell you that there is no greater harbinger of emotional pain than someone you care about liking Nickelback.
Reader Carlo Simone:
“Here’s a question to combine your two favorite subjects. If the Orlando Magic players were drinks, what drinks would they be?”
What, you guys thought I wouldn’t answer a Carlo question? Are you kidding me? When Carlo Simone asks me to write about booze, I ask how many words.
What’d I say about booze questions? You guys know me so well.
Dwight Howard: Manhattan. As I consider the Manhattan an exquisitely balanced drink, so I consider Dwight the most balanced player in the game. He is a game-changer on offense and defense, and if it seems as if his repertoire is simple, he is much more effective than the layman gives him credit for.
Ryan Anderson: King Cobra 40 oz. King Cobra is limitlessly effective within a very narrow set of criteria. You turn to the King when you need a serious bomber.
Hedo Turkoglu: Uzo. It isn’t Turkish, but is IS from the Mediterranean, and while it isn’t always easy to swallow, it’s really satisfying when it’s good.
Jameer Nelson: Boxed wine. I swear I can remember a good version, but for the life of me, every time I try and invest in it, it sucks.
Jason Richardson: Zima. Now that the 90s and early 00s are gone, it’s pretty hard to find anyone who thinks it’s good.
J.J. Redick: Cosmopolitan. Totally fey, totally not something I’m willing to admit to liking, totally fitting in specific situations.
Von Wafer: Irish Car bomb. Von thinks about basketball the way bros think at bachelor parties: “Screw it, I’m taking a shot anyway.”
Really enjoying these questions, MBN nation. I even had enough that I got to turn down some this week (keep sending ‘em, Brian and everybody!).
Same time next week. Email mbnhoops[at]gmail[dot]com. One of you who is smart about computers email me why we use brackets for emails we write in a blog post.
Danny Nowell is a contributing writer for Magic Basketball. Follow him on Twitter.