Photo by Fernando Medina/Orlando Magic
“With Pat Williams at the helm, did you really think the Orlando Magic were going to lose the ping pong battle? Williams is like a talisman next to a rabbit’s foot in the pocket of a voodoo priest simultaneously sticking pins in makeshift dolls of the other 13 teams.”
That’s when I jinxed the Magic. Those were the opening 44 words of the 500 or so I wrote thinking there was no way the Magic, your Magic, weren’t getting the top pick.
Then that pesky Gilbert boy with the glasses — like he lives across the BQE from me in Williamsburg — and the ho-hum Cleveland Cavaliers, aka we’re getting to the playoffs next near bro, got the pick. No, I kid. That dude is awesome.
But the rest of the Cleveland contingent decked out in annoying bow ties got all Hootie and Blowfish after Cleveland grabbed the top spot, and it became abundantly clear Dan Gilbert never taught his kids the proper respect in a place of such revelry. There’s an etiquette, and if you don’t think Kevin Love and Damian Lillard weren’t throwing shade their way, you weren’t paying attention.
I’d like to talk about the hand tattoos on the boy?, man?, sitting next to Gilbert (older son?, nephew outta Juvie?), but we’ll leave that for the fellas over here. Congrats guys, now [insert something mean about Kyrie Irving getting injured more than his Uncle Drew iteration].